CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog

{September 21, 2006}   Father, They Know Not What They Wear

goldteeth3.jpgbras1.jpgbutts1.gifI feel like Nell Carter sometimes. Just GIVE ME A BREAK!

If you want a good laugh, a reason to curse under your breath, or an excuse to start smoking cigarettes, sit down by the Hamilton County courthouse around lunchtime and you will see what I am talking about.

Grant it, we live in a society that practices freedom of expression in the way we live, talk, practice of religion, so on and so forth. However, when it comes to dress, some people should be guillotined immediately.

On one particular day, I was sitting at the courthouse, waiting for the bus, and I see this man; nicely dressed I might add, with all his front teeth capped with full and open-faced gold.

“Got to be more careful!” I said to myself. When does a person get to the age where it looks more becoming of them to dress age appropriate? This gentleman had to be in his late 40’s-early 50’s and his “gilded dentures” took all of his distinguishing characteristics away from him. Nice haircut, nice outfit, and his grille said he was a disabled pimp waiting for his S.S.I to kick in.

Not too long after that, I saw a young lady with a bra that was obviously too small for her ample bosoms. It was the all too common, buy-two-get-two free bra fiasco, where a woman’s bra is so tight, that it appears she has two breasts on reserve in the event of an emergency. For the love of God, if you (and I am speaking to the female readers) know you were blessed with an impressive set of hooters, invest in a good bra.

Shit! It’s bad enough to see those ladies with the “depressed breasts;” those that scrape the sidewalk and sway from side to side, hoping, wishing, and praying they, one day will be lifted up, so they can draw all men unto thee (I got that last line from an old church hymn, so you know I am going straight to hell).

I love my senior citizens, but every now and then, they need to be corrected too. I see this too many times in older women. If your legs look like an AAA map, put on some peddle pushers (haven’t heard that in a long time). One day, my legs will not look as good as they do at 29 years old, but when that day comes, I hope to wear some pants, or cargo shorts to hide my various colored veins.

Now back to the younger generation. I have never seen so many big-behind girls in my life. Being a staunch member of the flat ass society, it is easy for me to slide in a pair of jeans. I often wonder how long it takes for those who possess “massive junk” to get into a pair of pants. Pay the extra money to get a pair that fits. There is a way to show what your mama gave you and look good; big ass or no ass, there is a way to accentuate your body type and look fantastic.

Again, I am at the courthouse waiting for a bus, and up Main Street come three guys who had hair like I have never seen in my life. I like hair and I like how some people in Cincinnati is creative with their tresses. However, if you are African-American, and your hair looks gray, wash your shit. No need for the high-end shampoos and conditioners, take a bar of soap and give it a go.

I could not help but notice how horrible their hair looked. One’s hair doesn’t need to be styled all the time, I don’t care what race, or sex you are, just keep your hair clean. Take pride in who you are.

Rich, or poor, Indian Hill or Price Hill, make it a point to look your best with what you have. And by the way, to the white tee-shirt brigade, turning your shirt inside out doesn’t make it clean again.

William Johnson


Jack says:

Good of William to say out loud what we are all thinking!

Karen @ the hood says:

Yeah, I tell you. The gold teeth thing is such a turnoff to women. I’m not kissing no lips with those kind of teeth behind it.

My gripe is about girls I saw all the time at UC. Healthy girls with voluptuous curves who would cram their bodies into clothes that were designed for twiggy supermodels with the figures of ten-year-old boys.

I’m not talking plus size girls here, but they looked fat simply because they didn’t know how to buy clothes that fit them.

Oh, and out here in San Diego, where flip-flops abound, I see so many girls wearing sandals and flip-flops that are two sizes too small for their feet. They look ridiculous with their feet squishing through the straps on their shoes or hanging over the edges. Once again, I’m not talking about fat girls!

I don’t know what the deal is.

John says:

Girls will big rear-ends is such a turn off to guys and they are everywhere. Even young women are letting themselves go.

Eddie says:

This post is really funny. Maybe it will even make Beaver Head laugh!

C.A. MacConnell says:

I’d like to comment on “The disabled pimp waiting for his SSI to kick in.” There is a great stereotype surrounding this notion. Many people on SSI are not pimps sporting grilles. Many disabled people need assistance. Many, many more need it and have none, falling through the cracks, homeless, dying. I know this is a sarcastic, funny post, but when I see this stigma, I say something to counteract it.

As far as clothes, if it were up to me, we’d all be running around in pajamas.

Jacob Hicks says:

I for one find this post disgusting. When you constantly start making fun of people, that’s when you lose me.

Phil says:

We have turned into a nation of FAT. I like the fact that William points out all the fat asses in this city, in this country, but it’s not only women, it’s men also. I see guys walking down the sidewalk almost too heavy to walk. In fact, you see more overweight people than you do thin people. That’s what is disgusting.

Kelly says:

I don’t know where else to comment so I will here.

Check out Larry’s new column, “Looking at the Past.” It’s really good.

Jim Stanton says:

This was more than a little biting, but I have to admit I enjoyed Mr. Johnson’s honest remarks.

Jeff- or-ly says:

This is a hooooooooooot. I like Johnson’s style.

Donald Fee says:

Amazing. You go from a really good post about free speech to something dumb and stupid the next day. The SSI comment: insulting.

Nikie says:

Lighen up! This was funny!

Heather says:

I agree with C.A. and Donald.

I skimmed through the post because it was so long. Sorry about that.

Funny is one thing, but perpetuating stereotypes is not cool.

C.A. MacConnell says:

Actually, don’t get me wrong, I thought the post was hilarious. I often write in a sarcastic style like this….but when I notice this stigma, I put it out there, making a note of it, calling attention.

Mary says:

Agreed. Long and very unfunny.

Matt says:

Yes, sarcastic folks, SARCASTIC. It was very funny and if you get turned off when you start to read it, stop reading.

Ed Ramsey says:

Clearly, the writer here was just having a little fun and a lot of what was stated was very true.

If we can’t laugh at ourselves a little bit, then we’re in trouble.

I didn’t get the impression that the writer was laughing at himself.

Stephanie says:

Golly, Heather, this post looks like something your “hero” Bill Maher would have written.

Dana says:

William’s post was smart and funny. Some of you need to get a sense of humor.

hard as nails says:

can you get william johnson to write more posts? he made me laugh out loud. dead on true stuff here.

William says:

I usually don’t respond to comments about my writings, but allow me to say that 1) The comment about the SSI pimp was not meant to insult those on or waiting to be approved for Social Security. What else could a retired pimp do but apply for SSI? This is not intended for or vets, disabled, and for those who say I am insulting them can go somewhere.

Second, we must laugh at ourselves once in a while and I always laugh at myself just to prevent a nervous breakdown. Have a good one to all who commented

Heather says:

Oh, rats.

Stephanumb crawled back out from under her rock.

And for the record, I didn’t say it wasn’t funny. Carlos Mencia is funny, but he perpetuates negative stereoypes, which is not cool.

Other than that, it wasn’t badly written, and I wouldn’t mind seeing more threads from Mr. Johnson. It certainly generated coversation, which is the whole point of this thing.

sally says:

Stephanumb? Crawled back out from under her rock? Is this how a professional writer such as yourself responds to an opinion?

I know Stephanie turns off a lot of readers here, but your mean comment does exactly the same. Try to rise above it.

Jeff- or-ly says:


Karen says:

You know, Jeff, you seem like a nice guy, but come on. Don’t encourage a fight her. I like Heather’s posts and comments. As far as Stephanie, she’s like always kind of asking for it.

By the way, William, funny post.

Sally: That’s exactly how a professional writer responds to constant, personal, publically posted attacks.

Okay the “Stephanumb” part was out of line. I really can’t equate Stephanie to numb. Numb can at least be witty.

KRISTY says:

This was a funny story by William Johnson. I read him in City Beat for a long time but he hasn’t done anything there for a while. I’m glad he’s back.

Mark T. says:

I’m publishing a new photo book…….”Big Buns in Cincy”

Chuck says:

Fucking funny!!

Joe says:

Is there a Gap store in Cincinnati any where?

Karen says:

I think there is a Gap store in Tower Place downtown. William, is that right?

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