CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog











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Troy, an executive at P & G, contributor to this blog site and who had a penis the size of a toothpick, was found dead in his car parked in front of his luxury apartment building in Hype Park late last night. A police officer who was on the scene stated there was an explosion inside the automobile.

“Hard to explain,” said the officer, “but it appears the lower portion of Mr. Troy’s body exploded. We’ll have to wait and see what the coroner rules as to the cause death.”

Gene, a co-worker at P & G, states she knows the reason as to why Troy is now dead.

“His penis was the size of a toothpick,” Gene stated in her downtown Cincinnati office, “but he was taking pills to try and make it grow – you know Viagra, Xanax, Ambien, all that stuff. Thing is, it did nothing for his penis, but his balls turned into huge balloons and were getting larger everyday. I think they got so big, they finally had to burst.”

“His penis was small, but man was he proud of his balls,” said Nate – a friend of Troy’s who seemed to have a hard on when he spoke with me. “Now his balls are gone and so is his penis that was the side of a toothpick – but at least he can lie in his grave knowing that the love-wart on his tongue didn’t get blown away.”

The LOL Blog will continue investigating the cause of Troy’s death.

Judy Darling,
LOL Blog Reporter

(Photo of the late Troy from google.com)

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{February 28, 2007}   Dig Here For Treasure

dinosaur.JPGIn spite of the occasional sexually repressed comment; I knew this blog would be a good place to talk about sex. But I had no idea the response to my first post would be so strong! Or wet. And loud, lord, I do love a loud response.

So after the women who found me were done having their way with me and the Throbbing Fleshwand of Love, I needed a night out by myself. Little did I know I would meet my match from the women’s team. And don’t even ask; LOL Girl has her way of doing things but, tragically for me, I’ve no clue as to where she lives.

Even though I just meant to go out to replenish my fluids and breathe in vast quantities of oxygen, I found myself inside a bar. Plenty of fluids here and the oxygen is just as good as outdoors now that we can’t fucking smoke anywhere. Then I saw her.

Strawberry blonde hair cradled a beautifully cheeked face with sparkly green eyes, standing tall on long curvy legs and the most boobilicious front yard I’d seen in about, oh, three hours. And I simply could not control myself. Which was good because those headlights were pointing right at me.

I ordered a drink and watched as she strode her lush body right up to me.

“Do you know anything about dinosaurs?” she asked me.

“Just the petrified kind,” I replied.

“Good,” she said. “I was hoping you could help me find a particular one. Penisaurus Erectus. Do you know it?” she asked, eyeing me closely as she licked the excess saliva dripping from her full red lips. Just my kind of woman: knows what she wants and how to get it.

“Know it?” I laughed and put my arm around her quivering body. “Hell, I know for a fact there’s one in the immediate area, about 2 1/2 feet south of my mouth.”

She smiled and straddled my leg. I smelled peach fish and knew she was ready to be landed.

“Just hold on, darlin’,” I said as she led me out the door. “Have you had dinner yet?”

“No, I suppose we should before our little fuckfest begins,” she panted in a living on lust sort of way. “But make it quick; what did you have in mind?”

“A tube steak smothered in testosterone,” I said as I threw her over my shoulder and took her back to my place.

I am, after all, merely a hormone on legs.

Holden McGroyne

(Photo from roadsideamerica.com)



{February 27, 2007}   My Kick Ass Lighter

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I put my lighter
through the wash but it’s okay
‘cause it’s a Zippo

Jim Allen

(Photo of Jim’s Zippo from http://www.rittlan.com)



{February 27, 2007}   Free Cycle

candy.jpgI wish I could sit on the computer all day but I have to deal with my house. It’s out of control. My boyfriend almost has a heart attack when he comes over. He can’t understand my orderly chaos.

I just joined the free cycle group. I got a “new” bathroom vanity sitting in my dining room. I have about $50 worth of diaper coupons that should be in the mail today. My mom said my new free cycle friends that are coming to my house to get my unwanted items are going to either kill or rob me (she’s sooo paranoid).

She doesn’t support my free cycling, or my breastfeeding (that’s why I stay at home, I’ve been converted to a nipple Nazi and my entire family believes in formula/bottles only, it’s a constant family argument). They make me cry when they tell me to put my baby in daycare, give her a bottle and work a standard job. Everyone likes to tell me what to do, not sure why. Maybe because I always do what I want?

I wish I could find a free cycle dishwasher, I hate washing the never ending stacks downstairs.

Candy Apple

(Photo from Deviant Art)



{February 26, 2007}   Monday’s Lunch

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*Rack of lamb

Mike Hunt

(Photo from The Gutsy Gourmet)



national-enquirer.jpgAs expected, sometime this week, The Cincinnati Enquirer will announce they will be merging with The National Enquirer this summer.

“It’s a natural fit,” said a reporter for The Cincinnati Enquirer. “A lot of people here get confused because the names are so similar and it only makes sense to become a part of a news organization we respect.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer will be remain a daily newspaper but will print stories also published in The National Enquirer.

“We believe this will be good for our paper,” Tom Callinan, editor of Cincinnati’s hard-hitting daily said (well, I think it was him), “and it will also give our local reporters more time to cover those breaking news stories – like how those potholes have taken over our roads in The Queen City. Our readers want more of this kind of journalism.”

cincinnati-enquirer.gif“We need to bring more balance to the paper,” Callinan continued. “We’re so busy covering the big stories; we don’t have time to really it into the personal lives of our local celebrities. The National Enquirer will be covering this for us.”

When asked to explain his remark, Callianan declined, but a person who said she was a reporter for The National Enquirer explained.

“All right, take this example,” she said. “It’s been known for years that Clyde Gray and Carol Williams, you know those talking heads on Channel 9 news, can’t stand one another, but yet they sleep together sometimes. Now I don’t know if that’s true or not but maybe it is. Don’t the people in Cincinnati need to know that maybe this is possible? I mean enquiring minds want to know.”

This merger will not affect Cin Weekly which is owned by The Cincinnati Enquirer.

“We’ll keep it around,” said a person lighting a cigarette on Vine Street. “A lot of people use it as fish wrap.”

Judy Darling,
LOL Blog Reporter

(Photo of The National Enquirer from – you guessed it – The National Enquirer. Cincinnati Enquirer logo from http://www.epinion.com)



{February 25, 2007}   As High as Heaven

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I went to Mass with a really good buzz this morning. My wife Amy won’t smoke dope before Mass. She says it’s disrespectful, but I think it adds a whole new dimension to my appreciation of Mass: the colors of the church windows, the music, the symbolism of the
sacrament.

The Rastafarians consider marijuana a sacrament, and I can see why. It’s so much easier to consider concepts like God, grace and love when you have a good buzz. Seriously, I listen to the priest’s sermon a whole lot more than when I go without a buzz.

I don’t think marijuana’s a sacrament, but if it’s used right, like any other tool, it can be a way to get closer to God; at least it is for me. And it makes other experiences better, too, like sex. Amy won’t argue with that one, and besides it doesn’t hurt anybody as long as you’re not driving or anything.

Here’s a question for you blog readers. What’s the best time to get high?

Mike Hunt

(Graphic from static.flickr.com)



{February 24, 2007}   Sorry, The Devil Made Me Do It

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This billboard sign is popping up all over the internet – on web sites and blogs. I wanta be a “joiner” and share in the fun.

Larry Gross

(Photo of billboard sign ripped off from Wonkette)



{February 24, 2007}   Mom Can’t Rollerskate

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Here’s a try at some comedy. This sketch is being performed by the Damn Handsome Men comedy troupe based here in Cincinnati. Well, that is until the troupe went their separate ways in June of last year.

I’m not going to comment on this, but I hope some of you do. Let me know if you think this is funny.

Larry Gross

(Photo: pizzainfinity.com)



{February 23, 2007}   Crimes Against Humanity

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Why is it, that while we have people hungry in our own country, intelligent kids who will never see the inside of a college classroom, and bipolar people homeless on the streets because the only other place we can put them is prison, does our current president and his cronies feel that we have a right to decide how other nations should be governed?

Who gave President Bush the moral authority to kill innocent women, children, students, truck drivers, entertainers, businessmen, mothers, fathers, grandparents, trash collectors, and everyone else in Iraq who was, like us, just trying to live their life and make a life for their children?

They say that the violence and death in Iraq from this war will have serious implications for generations. Generations of Iraqis will hate America, hate the western world, and worst of all hate each other because our president thinks he’s taking these orders from a benevolent god.

There are countries in Africa who have been in chaos for generations because the western colonial powers, when they finally realized they couldn’t control the people, pulled out and watched as sectarian rivalries turned into mass movements of genocide.

So what are we to do? The American public will never commit the manpower and money needed to stabilize Iraq (if that’s even possible after what this administration has done). The only other options are staying there and continuing to terrorize and bludgeon the Iraqi population as more and more of our boys die for nothing, or withdrawing completely and letting Iraq disintegrate into the pre-Saddam dark ages of it’s past where, like Africa, rival groups will continue to slaughter each other for generations.

Let’s face it, the Nazi’s were not forced to pay for their crimes because they were evil; the Nazi’s were forced to pay for their crimes because they lost the war. The chances of Bush, Cheney, Rummie, or any of these people ever paying for the misery they have wrought across the human race are slim to done. I wish I could believe that they have hell to look forward to.

Heather Annastasia Siladi

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This essay was originally posted on Heather Annastasia Siladi’s web site on December 14, 2006. To get to her site, go to the blogroll or click here.

Heather is a full time writer and contributes to the Living Out Loud column, the latest being Sex, AIDS and Happiness. She lives in San Diego.

(Photo in Iraq taken by the CBC)



et cetera