CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog











{February 2, 2007}   Cincinnati City Council Considers Giant Wall to Hide Northern Kentucky

northern-kentucky.jpg

In an effort to stop people from crossing the Ohio River and visiting the shops, eateries, and entertainment spots in Covington and Newport, Cincinnati is considering building a giant wall on the banks of the Ohio River to stop people from seeing the thriving Kentucky cities.

“All the bridges would remain open,” said a person who looks a lot like Jim Tarbell, “but we think if we block the view from people walking around downtown, they won’t know what’s going on over there and will stay on this side of the river.”

While bridges would remain open, there is talk of taking down all the hanging signs over them that say “Welcome to Kentucky.”

“You didn’t hear this from me,” said the man who looks like Mr. Peanut, “but if people don’t know they’re entering Kentucky from their automobiles, maybe they won’t stop in.”

City Council has been trying to determine other ways to increase business and entertainment activity in downtown Cincinnati ever since the reported opportunity to get a Waffle House restaurant in the old Maisonette location fell through last week. That was just the latest in a list of failed remedies for The Queen City.

“We can’t seem to learn from our mistakes,” a person told me outside of City Hall. “When we spent millions of dollars to move the fountain a few feet, we thought for sure that would generate a spark in downtown, but so far it hasn’t done jack-shit. We’re still waiting for tourists to come here and see all we have to offer.”

One thing that won’t be offered in downtown Cincinnati will be bars that customers can smoke in. The City Health Department will start enforcing the no smoking law within the next few months. City Council fears that will lead some to walk over The Purple People Bridge in order to get to smoking bars in Newport.
giant-wall.jpg“If we can get that wall up, people will forget that bridge is there and will stay in Cincinnati bars,” said a guy who looked somewhat like John Cranley. “People here aren’t exactly quick. Shit, they’re usually drunk.”

With Newport-on-the-Levee and new attractions coming to Covington, Cincinnati has been in decline for the past several years. Also, many from the suburbs don’t visit downtown because of the high crime rate.

“That’s fuckin’ ridiculous,” said a young man who tried to rob me while investigating this story. “Tell those white trash people in the big houses to come on down here. I’ll give them the old downtown treatment.”

No word yet on what the reported new wall separating Cincinnati from Northern Kentucky will be made of.

“Perhaps particle board,” said a source who also asked if I had any spare change.

Judy Darling,
LOL Blog Reporter

(Photo of Northern Kentucky: smallmarketmeetings.com. Photo of purposed giant wall to hide Northern Kentucky from drunk Cincinnati people: noisebetweenstations.com)

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Gail says:

This is a joke – right?



Matthew says:

This is a scream, man! I like this Judy Darling.



hard as nails says:

This is a joke – right?

??

didn’t you watch channel 9 last night?



Man of the Hour says:

“if people don’t know they’re entering Kentucky from their automobiles, maybe they won’t stop in.”

….but people coming to Cincinnati from the Kentucky side of the river may not see Cincinnati – not that they would stop in anyway.



Barbara says:

Most often, I find all the Cincinnati put downs exhausting, but I have to admit I laughed at this one.



Karen says:

This is wild!



Jeff says:

Of course the sad thing is our city council would probably consider doing this. We have all that surplus money now,you know? We’re stupid enough to give this a shot.



Jackie says:

Judy Darling is great! I love this satire and wicked humor. Three cheers to Judy!



Rita says:

Perhaps Cincinnati can consider the Les Nessman WKRP approach to building walls. For the children, Les used tape to signify where walls should be to establish his office. It worked for Les. Of course we must also remember WKRP’s comment “God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly” when the station threw turkeys out of the helicopter for a Thanksgiving P.R. event. Still – taping a line where the wall should go could at least be the first step.

I must start leaving the house more and develop a social life.



Biscuit says:

Forget the wall, walls don’t work. This is warfare, and the first thing they do in an attack is blow up the bridges.



clayton says:

yes blow up the bridges and downtown cincy people will be stuck here. this is brillent! i like the way this biscuit person thinks.



Justin says:

Maybe if you keep making fun of the city long enough, people will wake up – or maybe not. I was just over to 525 Vine Street. Those outdated skywalk signs written about awhile back here are still up.



Dela says:

For what it’s worth, that’s a beautiful photo of Northern Kentucky and for what it’s worth, the post sucked. I think satire is lost on me.



doodie says:

i laughed at it through my tears. it’s probably going to come true someday here. we’re not very with it indeed.



Nancy says:

I thought this post was extremely funny but week to week, this blog has too much bashing. You need to shake this up a little.



Bill says:

This was fucking funny!!!!



Susan says:

Judy Darling,
You must be Larry Gross’s daughter. You’re just like him. You keep putting down the city. You’re a broken record.



Elly says:

Wow, pretty mean spirted here today. But it was funny. I like Judy.



Natasha says:

I’ve just spoken with a woman that looks remarkably like Marilyn. She stated that the wall won’t work, it’s too limited in scope.

People in Clermont and Brown Counties will still go across the river into Maysville to shop, dine and smoke in bars. There’s a brand shining new bridge between Aberdeen and Maysville. And even Maysville is hopping!



numb says:

even the iceberg lettuce piece was more interesting.



Tim Graves says:

This satire piece is good and I like this Judy Darling person (whoever that might be), but if you keep picking on the city, it’s going to get old. Have Darling write “reports” on some of the city’s other strangeness.



Erin says:

“Perhaps particle board,” said a source who also asked if I had any spare change.

Making fun of city council, sure, go for it – but leave the homeless out of it. Your ending here wasn’t funny.



Janice says:

Was it funny? Yes. Did I laugh? A couple times – but, again, this site is becoming very, very nati trashing. It seems like lately when you’re not going tor “shock” you’re going for trashing. To do this sometimes, sure but now it’s overboard. Bring on Marilyn, Karen, C.A., and Teri more.



Art says:

I’m really, really liking the edge here lately. Keep up the good work.



Teri Archer says:

Just for the hell of it, I took a bit of a poll on the comments so far, those with definite opinions on this kind of post, namely “fake” reporting.

So far 8 think it’s hilarious, 5 not so much.

Count be in on the liking it a bunch, so I guess 8 is now 9.



Marilyn says:

Teri add me & Natasha to the group that thought this was a freaking scream!



Kelly says:

Teri, add me too! liked it ! – just no time to make a real comment today.



jackula says:

go on cincinnati people, build your damn wall. i’m over here in covington where i can go to bars and drink and SMOKE. i can’t remember the last time i was over your way. covington is happening. cincycincy is dead.



Darrell says:

If you’re taking a poll as to to if this was funny or not, put me in the middle somewhere. I laughed, but it was an uncomfortable one. The piece was too biting, but we are screw ups over here. I probably didn’t like hearing it again.



Bitch from Price Hill says:

Once that smoking ban starts and once the weather gets nice I’ll be walking that Purple bridge over to KY and I’ll be blowing smoke across the river.



Carol says:

I know the city of Cincinnati is an easy target for you here, but can we not talk about it for a while? It seems like every other column is a run down of the city.



Chin says:

Count me in as one who found this to be damn hilarious. People, if you can’t make fun of where you live, you’re taking life much too seriously and being an out-of-towner, there is plenty to make fun here. If you can see the issues while you laugh, better at some point you’re get around to fixing those issues.



hard as nails says:

It seems like every other column is a run down of the city.

yes, yes. even our choice of lettuce.



Gary says:

It’s getting a little old, the nati bashing and all. Bring back LOL girl!



Helen says:

Fake news reporting at its finest!



Barbara says:

Just one week. Give us just one week of no putting down Cincinnati and then you can get back to it. One week of no Cincinnati put downs starts on Sunday.



Judith says:

This was a R I O T from the beginning down to the last sentence. Chin’s right. LIGHTEN UP!



Robert says:

I moved to Northern Kentucky last spring because there is more night life over here. NK isn’t the future, it is the present and for Cincinnati I think it is much to late for change. Your city council has no idea what do to. A giant wall wouldn’t surprise me in the least.



Robin says:

You know, Northern Kentucky knows what to do with their riverfront. We don’t have a clue do we? What’s going on the Banks project? Why are we so long to develope anything there?



Mike says:

Hey, Robert, I also moved to Northern Kentucky, moved over to Covington in the summer.

I’m from Cincinnati, but got really tired of no night life at all in downtown Cincinnati. If I’m going to live in an urban community, I want something going on and I just couldn’t find that in downtown Cincinnati.

I don’t know if its too late for Cincinnati, but they need to stop playing catch up with us over here and try something different. And make the streets safer, police people. High crime is another reason I moved over here. I feel safer.



David Gallaher says:

My comment is usually the kiss of death to these threads. I hope that isn’t the case this time.
All we need to do north of the river is change the name of the Queen City to Sinincincinnati.
Sin was what gave Northern Kentucky the head start on us which put it where it is today. But there is plenty of sin to go around. Hell, it grows on trees. Ask Eve.
We need to wrap those hard-headed German minds here around the concept of sin, and of the need to generate more of it… lots more.
Fire all the cops except those wearing Bermuda shorts and riding bicycles, so we can get down to the short strokes where we need to be.
Pah-tay!



Marilyn says:

No kiss of death here.

But David, really! Northern Kentucky doesn’t have the edge on sin. Didn’t Cincinnati have Jerry Springer writing checks to a hooker (admittedly in No. Ky)? Didn’t Pete Rose gamble (not sure where this took place)? Believe me, there is plenty enuff sin to go around. Enuff for all.

But I’m all for cops wearing bermuda shorts and riding bicycles. Now that’s interesting!

Did you mean: Par-taaaay? Yep, I’m there….



Dan says:

Others have said it here in other posts that have followed this issue as to how Cincinnati can’t get things right: Follow the lead of Northern Kentucky. Look to them as an example as to how to get our business and entertainment district moving. Help is in our own back yard.



Kevin says:

I agree 100% with Dan. Ask for some help from our Kentucky neighbors who seem to know what to do with their riverfront. And city council, quit finding excuses and get the Banks project moving.



Nick says:

I thought this satire piece was really quite funny, but I live in Newport. If I still lived in Cincinnati, I don’t think I would be laughing.



Barney says:

When members of city council look over across the river and see Northern Kentucky and all the activity, I wonder what they think? Are they jealous? Does it motivate them to do better over here? N.K. has been doing very well for years now and we haven’t. Apparently, they never look south.



George's Bush says:

Move to N.K. Larry. You can fucking smoke over here!!!



Fred Flinstone says:

The comments here have been interesting. It was a funny story here, I have to say that. I’ll check you guys out in the future.



C.A. MacConnell says:

This is hilarious. I’m so sorry I’m late reading this. Maybe they should make it a climbing wall…make the Kentucky side death-defying, and the Ohio side easy equipped with ropes and guides. And signs pointing to our 2 downtown restaurants. Did you know that mac and cheese at Vinyl costs $24.00. Better be some damn good velveeta.



hard as nails says:

I’ll check you guys out in the future.

hey fred – take time bring barney with you.



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