In an effort to stop people from crossing the Ohio River and visiting the shops, eateries, and entertainment spots in Covington and Newport, Cincinnati is considering building a giant wall on the banks of the Ohio River to stop people from seeing the thriving Kentucky cities.
“All the bridges would remain open,” said a person who looks a lot like Jim Tarbell, “but we think if we block the view from people walking around downtown, they won’t know what’s going on over there and will stay on this side of the river.”
While bridges would remain open, there is talk of taking down all the hanging signs over them that say “Welcome to Kentucky.”
“You didn’t hear this from me,” said the man who looks like Mr. Peanut, “but if people don’t know they’re entering Kentucky from their automobiles, maybe they won’t stop in.”
City Council has been trying to determine other ways to increase business and entertainment activity in downtown Cincinnati ever since the reported opportunity to get a Waffle House restaurant in the old Maisonette location fell through last week. That was just the latest in a list of failed remedies for The Queen City.
“We can’t seem to learn from our mistakes,” a person told me outside of City Hall. “When we spent millions of dollars to move the fountain a few feet, we thought for sure that would generate a spark in downtown, but so far it hasn’t done jack-shit. We’re still waiting for tourists to come here and see all we have to offer.”
One thing that won’t be offered in downtown Cincinnati will be bars that customers can smoke in. The City Health Department will start enforcing the no smoking law within the next few months. City Council fears that will lead some to walk over The Purple People Bridge in order to get to smoking bars in Newport.
“If we can get that wall up, people will forget that bridge is there and will stay in Cincinnati bars,” said a guy who looked somewhat like John Cranley. “People here aren’t exactly quick. Shit, they’re usually drunk.”
With Newport-on-the-Levee and new attractions coming to Covington, Cincinnati has been in decline for the past several years. Also, many from the suburbs don’t visit downtown because of the high crime rate.
“That’s fuckin’ ridiculous,” said a young man who tried to rob me while investigating this story. “Tell those white trash people in the big houses to come on down here. I’ll give them the old downtown treatment.”
No word yet on what the reported new wall separating Cincinnati from Northern Kentucky will be made of.
“Perhaps particle board,” said a source who also asked if I had any spare change.
LOL Blog Reporter
(Photo of Northern Kentucky: smallmarketmeetings.com. Photo of purposed giant wall to hide Northern Kentucky from drunk Cincinnati people: noisebetweenstations.com)