CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog

{February 4, 2007}   And Justice for All


Okay, enough here with the pencil-dicked geeks like Troy. I think it’s time we heard from a guy to whom nature was only too kind.

Check it out ladies -with my throbbing wand of flesh, I fully intend to bring 9 inches of sexual justice wherever and to whomever it’s most needed. And no, Gaylord, thanks for the interest but I don’t play in that neighborhood. This is ALL for the ladies.

(LOL Girl, I’ll get to you after I finish with a certain person here whose name starts with a “J”. Jean seems to need a serious sexual fling more than anyone else here. C’mere Jean, I’ve got some thing I want to show you. Go ahead, touch it . . ! )

I love everything about women, their soft curves and mounds, the depth I can see in the blues and greens of their eyes when they take their defenses down and that sweet tang of peach fish down in the valley. I pulse out loud with how much I want to exist and explode inside the wet warmth of their being, to be the yin to their yang and the wang for their whims.

Sex is without a doubt one of the finest gifts we’ve received from the Great Mother Goddess and her consort, a shadowy figure who goes by the name of God. It doesn’t feel so freaking good just so’s we can make babies, it’s so we can enjoy being alive. And if we’re singin’ the blues it’s a good way to hump and pump them away. And there’s alot to be said for masturbation too because at least then you’re having sex with someone who loves you.

Ladies, womyn, whomever, we’re doing the best we can here but we’re not psychic – just tell us what the hell it is you want, we’ll try to deliver.

Gentlemen, even if you don’t love her, at least fuck her like you mean it. No, I didn’t say lie to her, I said give it to her hard enough and good enough to make her happy. You know, just bang those silly relationship questions right out of her pretty little head.

And people, we’re supposed to be adults around here so keep your stuff away from the kiddies. If you’re one of those pervs, go play with the other sick fucks and leave the rest of us alone.

Ok, this wasn’t supposed to turn into an advice column. I like to fuck as much as anyone but there’s a time and a place for it. Like in your kitchen or the shower, and then bent over your coffee table in the living room. Gosh, Jean, I knew you’d be a moaner but I wasn’t expecting the orgasmic thrashing and screaming. Nice touch but I can see the people across the street looking out their window.

Aah, fuck them too.

Lustfully yours,
Holden McGroyne

(Photo of surprised woman who might have touched Holden’s penis from


Becky says:

Man. At least you tell it like it is — or maybe I should say — the way a woman really wants it.

Jill says:

I would put up my phone number, but I know it would get deleted. You sound like a guy who knows what sex is about and what a woman needs.

hard as nails says:

holden mcgroyne: god’s gift to women.

Barbara says:

All the “Jean” references here on this blog are becoming annoying. In fact I find this whole piece annoying.

Matt says:

Shit, only fair I guess to have a male “LOL Girl.”

Erin says:

I’m hoping this Holden guy is a joke. If he’s not, he’s a complete jerk. Women aren’t looking for these kind of guys. For women, its not all about the screwing. Some men know that, others don’t – like this Holden guy.

Gaylord says:

“And no, Gaylord, thanks for the interest but I don’t play in that neighborhood.”

Shit, just when you had me all turned on.

Jackie says:

I’m still laughing!

!! says:


I once dated guy just for his massive hands.

Men are relatively proportional you know, so I figured he must have a shlong to match.

I wasn’t dissapointed.

Maria says:

I’ve read the post twice and I’m still trying to figure out if I like Holden or not. At lease he’s straight up and honest and not playing games.

Heather says:

I love the picture.

Susan says:

Wow, what a shock. More trash!

Marilyn says:

Holden, pure poetry — that’s what you are! *sigh*

“…to be the yin to their yang and the wang for their whims…”

At least here is a fellow with more than the stupor bowl on his, erm, mind.

Natasha says:

Holden said: And there’s alot to be said for masturbation too because at least then you’re having sex with someone who loves you.

Natasha says: Ain’t it the truth!

sally says:

i dunno, kind of like the guy, think he’s cool. if you’re in a relationship just for the sex, this is the kind of guy i would want.

jackula says:

if i wasn’t gay, i’d be tempted to call ya 🙂

Name withheld says:

What a jackass you are.

Laura says:

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a guy like this, ladies. He’s honest about what he is and I like that. When I want sex I want it to be great and I think this man could deliver. Of course, the proof is in the doing 🙂

Man of the Hour says:

Maybe this post will give the chicks something to look at while us men go watch ourselves some football later.

Bitch from Price Hill says:

Hey Asshole of the Hour,
Some women like football too.

Susan says:

I’m beginning to believe that Marilyn is the one who knows how to write interesting posts here these days. Here’s another one just to shock you.

Kevin says:

This holden guy should team up with LOL Girl. Maybe this is her “real man” she’s been looking for.

Deana says:

Hey! You sound a cool, honest guy. Here’s my phone number if you’re interested in meeting up: XXX-XXXX

Hope to hear from ya!

(editor: nope, we don’t do phone numbers here)

Polly says:

Don’t you think its a bit unfair to rub this Jean in the dirt? I don’t agree with anything she has said here, but you guys are taking it way too far.

hard as nails says:

(editor: nope, we don’t do phone numbers here)

shit, deana, i was gonna come over.

Deana says:

😦 I don’t see what harm posting a ph. # would do 😦

Eddie says:

Pure crap.

DeeDee says:

I also don’t see the point in not allowing phone numbers. What’s wrong with wanting to contact Holden?

Denise says:

Keep hammering away, keep making fun of Jean. You all are just as mean spirited as she is.

Larry Gross says:

From the editor:

Deana & DeeDee

Think about it: You got guys on here that go by the names polo stick, hard as nails, beaver head and man of the hour – just to name a few. I don’t know these people at all. You want to put up your phone numbers and have these guys calling you?

There are plenty of dating services out there. Go to one of them. That’s something we’re not.

Karen says:

Oh, I know Larry. I’ve lost track of how many time I’ve tried to pick YOU up 🙂

Gus_Johnson says:

What if it’s not really your phone number? Do you all really want the moderators of this site to have to deal with that kind of nonsense. Some asshole might even threaten legal action. The internet is not a good place for your address, phone, or social security number. If nothing else, one of your fans might pass your number along to telemarketers. Wanna buy some dick pills?

hard as nails says:

Wanna buy some dick pills?

troy does.

Theresa says:

This post cracks me up and it proves one thing: There are just as many horny girls out there as there are horny guys. This reminds me very much of an LOL Girl post.

Tate says:

Of course you don’t give your phone number out on the internet. You “girls” are thinking with your oysters.

Man of the Hour says:

Holden seems a little “cocky” to me, if you know what I mean.

Percy Dovetonsils says:

Holden McGroyn meet Phil McCrevis.

Julie says:

“You “girls” are thinking with your oysters.”

I’d like to put down my pointy high-hells and kick you in the nuts — you sorry asshole.

Bitch from Price Hill says:

Ha, ha, Ha, Ha, ha. That Tate is a funny guy ain’t he? Probably has sex with himself a lot because no woman would want him, probably hasn’t seen an “oyster” in years except for the ones in his fucking soup.

Tangy says:

This was a great post! I want this Holden clap to come back again.

Roger says:

I thought it was a funny post. LOL Girl sometimes comments on what readers think about her post. How come this Holden guy isn’t?

Maggie says:

If you’re not made up, you sound like a guy I would like to meet. I’m being very seriously here, How do I get in touch with you?

Percy Dovetonsils says:

“This was a great post! I want this Holden clap to come back again.”
You want another dose of the clap??

hard as nails says:

i think tangy misssspelled orr wass missunderstooood.

Holden McG. says:

“Miss Understood” is a totally different type of person than I am. I am who I am and here I am, Holden McGroyne

Nip says:

It seems like you’re starting to write uninteresting sex post here every other day.

Jeff says:

This was pretty damn funny! I hope this Holden guy pays us another visit.

Natasha says:

Holden McG, you make me hot!!

Tinker Bell says:

Holden McG, you make me hot!!

Holden McG, you give me a hard on, but you have no interest. Thankfully, Gaylord is there for me.

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