CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog

{February 11, 2007}   Have you Never?


I once developed an on-line correspondence with a man; I’ll call him Mr. Virtuous. Our relationship progressed to talking on the telephone.

During one of our conversations, somehow I brought up the subject of masturbation.

He immediately got defensive and told me, “I’ve never masturbated in my life!”

I swear, folks, this is what he told me. This is what he honestly expected me to believe.

Me, I was dumbfounded. From my side of the country, my mouth hung open.

I recovered quickly and told him that his abstinence was certainly interesting. I then asked him if he had a problem with the fact that I, indeed, practice self-gratification and had been doing so since the age of 12.

I can’t remember his answer. It didn’t matter because now I’d decided this man was too sexually repressed for me to consider any possible relationship.

My question is this: Is there anyone here who has never masturbated? Because I really don’t think this is possible.



To order masturbation kit, send $39.95 to “masturbation kit,” in care of L-O-L Blog, P.O. Box 18354798-0045-T, Cincinnati, Ohio 98125-0479. Checks, money orders and credit cards NOT accepted. Coins only – in quarters.


Matt says:

Hell no. Everybody masturbates. The guy was just uptight and you were better to dump him.

Vickie says:

This is interesting. I wonder if I would ask my boyfriend if he masturbated what he would say. Would he admit to it? Thanks for giving me the idea.

Charlie Tuna says:

Everybody jacks off. The guy was messing with you.

Patrica says:

He immediately got defensive and told me, “I’ve never masturbated in my life!”

He said this way too quickly, and got too defensive. Bottom line: He’s like this Nate guy who does it all the time.

hard as nails says:

masturbation? please explain what you’re talking about. it’s a new word to me.

J.R. says:

Never, ever masturbated. Yeah — right. And I’ve never taken a shit either.

Jackie says:

This is funny, a grown man who can’t admit to masturbating. I wonder if the guy’s ever had sex.

Heather says:

I discovered it by accident in the shower when I was 16.

A bit late, I know, but I had some repressed childhood memories and I think that just got repressed also.

Taylor says:

Like Heather, I discovered it late. I also had a repressed childhood and my parents told me nothing about sex or how it worked. During my early teenage years I felt “horny” a lot but had no idea what to do about it. Thanks to a Playboy book I found under my parents bed, I learned about masturbation. I guess I was around 17 at the time. A whole new world opened up for me.

Man of the Hour says:

Anyone out there you doesn’t know how to masturbate, I would suggest taking lessons from Nate. There’s a man with a lot of experience.

Eddie says:

Yes, send me two of your masturbation kits. I’ll send those quarters somehow over the internet.

Marilyn says:

This is the most disgusting piece of crap I’ve ever read!

I’m old and I have never masterbated, ever!

But send me the kit, for research purposes only.

Barbara says:

Why are you guys so hung up on masturbation lately?

David Gallaher says:

And what does this topic have to do with world peace?
Come to think of it, maybe a lot. For one, it illustrates what humankind has in common, whether a human be male or female, a terrorist or a flower child.
Picture Osama using this kit.
If Bush could picture Ahmadinejad using the kit, perhaps it would be easier for him to nogotiate with him over Iraq?

Heather says:

Ah, but again you demonstrate my point that religion is the enemy of peace, David.

First because it separates people. “We’re going to heaven because god is on OUR side.”

And second because, particularly in the case of the two religions that are currently threatening the progress of the human race, Islam and Christianity, the things we most have in common like sex and masturbation are vile sins (so not only can we not admit what we ourselves do, but we must condemn those who do admit such sinful activities).

Wally says:

“We’re going to heaven because god is on OUR side.”


David Gallaher says:

That’s what Heather and I are saying.
God is a warmonger.

Freddy says:

Masturbation: I have it on my daily task list.

Jane says:

I’m more than a little tired of the masturbation stories here. Now you’re even trying to sell a kit. It’s just not funny.

David Gallaher says:

It was a kit very similar to this–except for being solid gold–the Holy Spirit used to extract the speciman from God, which He then delivered and administered unto Mary with a solid gold turkey baster.
Ooooohh, that would have been chilly, eh Jane?

Becky says:

I think you should have showed your friend the ropes – could have been fun!

Jane says:

You’re just a nasty man. You fit right in here.

David Gallaher says:

Females use ropes?
LOL Girl uses ropes?

Becky says:

When I say “ropes” I mean show the jackass how to jack himself off. Make sure he writes it all down.

Theresa says:

A grown man who has never masturbated? Sounds like a great comedy movie to me.

Natasha says:

Becky, this was a much longer and more convoluted story than the bit that I wrote up…

We did meet and it was a disaster. I should’ve known, all the warning signs were in place! 😉

??? says:


Natasha says:

David, Solid Gold Turkey Baster?! LMAO 🙂

Becky says:

We did meet and it was a disaster

Why not do a part two?

Jim says:

I guess that its possible that a man hasn’t masturbated. I know I do, but the guys I hang out with never talk about this kind of stuff. I was just assuming we all did it.

Karen says:

I really enjoyed the……….artwork? 🙂

Heather says:


You are a nasty man.


Rapid Shave says:

The moist towelette in the kit is a nice gesture. Sticky hands afterwards can be very gross.

Puff Ball says:

Even I, Puff Ball, have been known to masturbate, especially when thinking about Darlene.

Baby the Cat says:

Yowl-r-r-r-r-r-l-l I’m still having issues with this being in heat business. Sure wish Puff Ball could show me some tricks!

Patty says:

I know all about repressed childhoods. It wasn’t until I was married that I found out about masturbation. Believe it or not.

jake says:

Even I, Puff Ball, have been known to masturbate, especially when thinking about Darlene.

that’s pretty stupid. how is a cat suppose to jack off?

John T. Sixteen says:

Spilling seed is more severe then all sins, since he defiles his soul in this world and the world to come and he does not see the glory of the shichenah. (Zohar Vyeshev)

Susan says:

All I can say is at least there wasn’t a post by LOL girl which usually happens on any given Sunday.

There’s entirely too much sex, masturbation, vile stuff here. No, not every post but just enough to make me hesitate to come here. Marilyn hasn’t done a post for awhile – why not have her write something that’s decent?

Heather says:

Marilyn hasn’t done a post in a while? Are you sure about that?

On the issue of animals masterbating, my dog does. It kind of looks like she’s going to drag her butt across the floor, but she doesn’t, she just sits there rocking and back and forth. Once she did it in front of my grandpa. It was really awkward to sit there and pretend she wasn’t doing anything.

Puff Ball says:

“that’s pretty stupid. how is a cat suppose to jack off?”

And how can a cat type? To both of these remarks, I say — wouldn’t you like to know?

hard as nails says:

i think this john t. sixteen is becoming a strange kind of jean.

Matt says:

Give me a break, Heather. Animals don’t masturbate. Your dog probably had a piece of shit stuck on it’s ass.

Heather says:


I don’t blame you for not believing me, you’d really have to see it.

But humans and animals all have the same basic parts. How do you think zoos get semen samples from animals? Manual stimulation, that’s how. Have you ever witnessed an elephant getting his prostate messaged? They’re surprisingly cooperative.

Biscuit says:

His saying that he hasn’t might have been a polite or uncomfortable way of saying “this isn’t your business, why are you asking me if I masterbate?” Was he equally uncomfortable when you told him that you did?

Bitch from Price Hill says:

Shit, Matt, every animal masturbates. I once had a bird, I think it was a small parrot that always screwed his mirror that I had in it’s cage. It was quite a funny sight.

hard as nails says:

Have you ever witnessed an elephant getting his prostate messaged?

no, but i’m sure mike hunt had something to do with it.

truly says:

yes, all god’s creatures masturbate. why does that surprise anyone?

Natasha says:

Biscuit, believe me. It all became very clear when we met in person. It ended badly! Mostly, because he felt emasculated/threatened by my own sex drive. He was a strange (very strange) guy! Nuff said.

Puff Ball is one multi talented cat.

John T., I was so happy to be released from the prison of fear in which organized christianity placed me. Just think! Now, when I masterbate, I know now that God isn’t going to strike me dead. What freedom!

Marilyn says:

Susan, I have a post coming up later this week that deals with serious subject matter. I hope it will make you ponder the possibilities.

Heather says:

The female praying mantis bites the head off of her mate during intercourse because she has to sever a tendon that will allow his semen to be released.

See, male praying mantises, much like human males, are not very smart when it comes to mating, and left to their own devices will blow their load on the nearest available stick.

Fortunately, humans have plenty of semen to spare. Praying mantises do not.

My point is that not only does eveyone materbate, but in the case of some species, nature has had to intervene on the behalf of splooge covered twigs everywhere and keep the flow of genetic material moving in the right direction.

but seriously folks says:

“The female praying mantis bites the head off of her mate during intercourse.”

I had an ex-wife try to do that once. We’re no longer together.

Tom says:

There’s entirely too much sex, masturbation, vile stuff here.

You consider sex and masturbation VILE? I’m sure glad I’m not married to you!

Karen @ the hood says:

The post was funny but the comments are even funnier!

David Gallaher says:

As long as some folks here are naming themselves after Bible verses (John T. Sixteen/ John 3:16), I was thinking LOL Girl might want to take the name, “Song of Solomon 7:2”?
By the way, John, what is the “glory of the shichenah”? It sounds masturbatory to me.

And for the others of you here preferring to leave your Bible uncracked, here is what verse 2 of chapter 7 says:
“Thy “navel” (Trust me. “Navel” is a euphemism for the body part just a few inches lower.) is a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor.”

H. McGroyne says:

Ah, the downtown nerve endings, the pleasure to be had with one another or alone.So why did the Great Cosmic Whomever put ’em there? Just for makin’ babies?! Oh, now who’s being naive?

“Sin” is only in the eye of the beholder.

And why are you looking at me like that?

C’mon, you know I’m only Holden McGroyne!

hard as nails says:

david, what does oyster stand for in the bible? LOL girl likes her licked.

Janie says:

All this attention over such a stupid, STUPID post. You all amaze me over here.

Natasha says:

Janie said: All this attention over such a stupid, STUPID post. You all amaze me over here.

Continue to visit us, we promise more amazements in the near future.

numb says:

i think gross is the guy who doesn’t know how to masturbate. he surely doesn’t know how to write.

David Gallaher says:

hard as nails,
Solomon could not wax so poetic about oysters, they not being kosher.
You got a problem with liquor?

Natasha says:

Numb, I’ve not asked our venerable host here (Larry) if he does or does not masturbate. Something makes me think he probably does, but this is not our business.

I’m terribly insulted by your insinuation that he may have written this essay on masturbation. Because I indeed wrote the piece, and I like to think I can compose.

David Gallaher says:

… and “compose” is a euphemism for ….?

David Gallaher says:

“Ah, the downtown nerve endings, the pleasure to be had with one another or alone.”

Holden McGroyne,
Are you saying Over-the-Rhine, where the Little Woman and I repose, is the pubic hair region of Sinincincinnati?

Matt says:

Numb is being the normal asshole he is. Forget about him.

Heather says:


You live in Over-the-Rhine?

David Gallaher says:

It’s nothing to joke about.

David Gallaher says:

Me for chrissakes!
You don’t even live here, and you still are afflicted by the Catholic-Germanic lack o’humor.
You too Becky. (I meant to point that out earlier.)

Don’t get me thumpin’ by Bible!

C.A. MacConnell says:

I feel free.

Jim says:

Congratulations David Gallaher. You were comment “69”.

David Gallaher says:

“I feel free.”
C.A. MacConnell,
But did you use the moist towelette?

Gus_Johnson says:

The moist towelette sells the whole thing.

How’d it get so churchy with jizz in here anyway?

Heather says:

I have a sense of humor!

I keep it in my pocket.

Marilyn says:

Well, it’s quite obvious that the superbowl was LAST Sunday!

C.A. says:

I feel reborn.

C.A. says:

Gus, some churchy ball crusher’s gonna go award show in here and end up with a chocolate unicorn.

Fran says:

This was wild!!I liked it all, especially all the comments!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: