CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog

{March 2, 2007}   It Felt Like Rape

teri.jpgI’ve known this man for a few years now but we’ve never been together sexually. We were just friends. That changed a few nights ago.

The bar was closing and he invited me back to his apartment for a nightcap. We had a few more drinks there on his sofa and he started coming on to me. It was just kissing, not really a big deal.

He started to unbutton my shirt. I laughed and told him to stop. He didn’t.

Before I knew it, my jeans were undone and his hands were down into my panties. Again, I asked him to stop but this time more seriously. He paid no attention as he harshly laid me down on the sofa and pulled my jeans and panties off.

I have to admit I was probably drunk during all of this. The sex was quick and he seemed almost mean during it. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted another drink. I said no thank you and took a taxi home.

Maybe I didn’t resist enough, but this felt like rape to me. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him next time I see him in the bar.

Teri Archer

(Photo from Deviant Art)


Vanessa says:

Of course it was rape. He took advantage of your drunken state. Stay away from this man.

Pat says:

You say you’ve known this man for a few years but do you consider him a friend? Let me suggest to you that he’s not. A friend wouldn’t take advantage of you like that.

Matt says:

I don’t know what I’m going to say to him next time I see him in the bar.

Kicking him in the nuts comes to mind.

Polly says:

Why in the world wouldn’t you get the police involved in this?

Theresa says:

Why don’t you stop going to bars? It seem like every post you write you have some kind of misadventure that’s drinking related. Think about that for a minute.

Kevin says:

Man, is there anybody you won’t sleep with?

Nancy says:

I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but don’t you think you may be some kind of sex addict? Almost every post you write has something to do with who you are sleeping with.

Heather says:

I’d say that was rape.

But as far as getting the police involved, you’d have a tough time. Lots and lots of tough, tough, questions, and in the end, it’s your word against his.

The sad fact of the matter is that we (ladies) are always going to be at a physical disadvantage, so we HAVE to be smart.

Please don’t put yourself in that situation again. (When I say “put yourself in that situation,” I’m not saying it’s your fault.) If you’re going to go to bars and hang out with men you don’t know very well, you can’t let your guard down. Not ever!

Beth says:

Sorry but from reading some of your other posts I think you’re a bit of a slut. I think you wanted to be raped.

Dela says:

You’ve been writing posts here for a long time now. It is like to ask for this type of situation to happen to you. Stay out of bars. Shit, drink at home if that’s what you need to do.

Man of the Hour says:

At least it wasn’t anal.

Marilyn says:

Hmmm, I’ve put myself in risky situations before. As I matured, I realized that I didn’t like myself very much when I didn’t exercise good judgement.

Rape is a bad thing, but so is the possibility of stds. I’m assuming that this guy didn’t take a moment to apply protection?

Message to all out there: Don’t be stupid.

Rita says:

I read the post this morning and my automatic response was “of course it is rape”. Can you call the police – probably not – how are you going to prove it.

Then I’ve been thinking about your post most of the day. In your post, it sounds like you are doubting yourself and you are asking confirmation was it rape. Then I read it again and you are saying it felt rape and your concern is what do you say to this man. This totally confuses me. What do you mean what do you say to him? It sounds like you really don’t know if it was rape or not otherwise you would know what to say to the man as he limps away with only a stump where his penis used to be. Then I start thinking if you are this unsure then how would he really know.

I hate posting this because this is totally unlike me to not recommend the man be castrated. Most likely tonight at the nightly secret women’s group where we plot taking over the world, I will be severely reprimanded or kicked out the group. But then again, I really don’t fit into groups.

The post was good; it made me deal with an issue that should have been totally black or white.

Marilyn says:

Rita’s post is, indeed, a huge departure from her feminist leanings. She invented feminism.

But I think acting in a responsbile manner is massively important for all women.

Rita will be reprimanded at group tonite, but we would never kick her out — she knows karate!


i’m sorry. my feminist card is gonna get revoked for this, too. but:

you say the bar was closing. so it’s like, what, 2:30? and you still need to drink more? what did you think he was inviting you back to his place for? a game of monopoly? a bible study?


men are pretty simple creatures. if a guy has been drinking and invites you back to his place after you’ve been drinking too and it’s late at night, guess what he’s thinking about?

no still means no, no doubt about that, but there are situations that we women put ourselves in where we just plain oughtta know better.

and it is usually, as marilyn said, when we are not caring about ourselves enough. the situation of women can no longer be blamed entirely on men–we’ve been educated, and we know better. if you don’t care about yourself, noone else will.

Jill says:

I am becoming a big, big fan of FoxyRoxy. right on, girl!

Heather says:

Yeah, I think rape can be a subjective issue.

It boils down to “no means no,” of course, but you can’t put the blame entirely on the guy; he was drunk as well.

Bottom lines,

Girls: Don’t go to a guy’s apartment to drink in the middle of the night unless you’re reasonably sure you’d like to sleep wit him.

Boys: Make sure you and your new lady friend are on the same page before the nightcap; you really could end up in a whole heap of trouble.

Biscuit says:

This post is similiar to yesterdays. No means no and you should be permitted to go where ever you want regardless of race BUT… you are responsible to take care of yourself. We should have enough respect for ourselves to not engage in foolish behavior that will cause us harm.

I am shocked by a couple of the comments especially the one by Beth,
“I think you’re a bit of a slut. I think you wanted to be raped.”
Holy shit Beth are you serious?

Babble on says:

You drink until the bar closes.

He invites you to his apartment for a few more?

I think you have another problem besides having sex with everyone you meet.

You drink too, too much.


I just feel that we’ve spent a lot of years saying that we don’t want to live in a paternalistic society, that we are not feeble, mentally, physically, or emotionally–if we say that, and we really mean it, then we have to accept that with privelege (i.e., birth control, title 9, education, that whole voting thing, controlling our own assets, not being considered property of our fathers and husbands, etc.) comes RESPONSIBILITY.

I know that personal responsibility is not a popular topic, with anyone. So how about we call it common sense, then? When i was mugged in OTR 5 years ago, what was i doing? out, at a bar, drinking, late at night, alone, in a questionable neighborhood. Does that give them the right to do what they did? No, not at all. But it gave them the *opportunity*. We have to be cognizant of where we are placing ourselves at all times. If we say we really can take care of ourselves, then we need to do it.

Heather says:

Damn, Roxy is on fire!

I agee. We can’t be stronger. We have to be smarter. And always on guard.

Someone once told me, “Who the hell told you life was supposed to be fair ?”

Beth says:

Yeah, Biscuit – I meant every word I said.

Marilyn says:

Heather, that was my mom that told you that!

Rita says:

I enjoyed reading FoxyRoxy, Biscuit,Heather and Marilyn’s posts and totally agree. We are responsible for ourselves and must have a constant vigilance of our surroundings and choices; it is one thing to be victimized and another to take partnership in it.

C.A. says:

Oh Lord.

C.A. says:

disturbing to me.

carsick says:

Is he wearing your panties? They seem very brief and a little lacy.
Otherwise, some lessons are hard learned (no pun intended). Hope you’ve learned. The guy, the scenario, your inebriated naivete…I suspect you’ve learned.

Gus_J says:

“men are pretty simple creatures. if a guy has been drinking and invites you back to his place after you’ve been drinking too and it’s late at night, guess what he’s thinking about?”
Girls do this too. Don’t be hatin’:)

But for real, buy a stungun ladies. They’re small, effective, reasonably inexpensive; unfortunately they’re good only in close proximity. I would also recommend a high quality self-defense spray formulated to also work on non-human animals(dogs, bears, rabid squirrels, etc.)That stuff sprays real far… just watch the wind.

Wouldn’t it be fun if Teri’s friend woke up tied to a radiator, slathered in baby oil, with his crotch burning from an application of pepper spray?

Theresa says:

Gus, your ending to your comment was priceless.

See - you says:

Teri, you are totally hot.

Heather says:

Gus is right (and hi-larious), if you’re going to frequent bars, you should carry a mechanical and/or chemical equalizer.

My own personal solution to decreasing the threat of males is to domesticate one.

They’re a lot of work, and more or less a life-long commitment, but they make great companions, and they can open the toughest jars!

Trust me, having your own personal guy around the house is worth it all the trouble in the long run.

David Gallaher says:

So many years ago she has probably passed clean-as-a-whistle away by now, I had a girlfriend who would sleep with her forearm under her solar plexis.
This was understandable in that it took some pressure off her enormous hooters, but I cannot imagine being comfortable long with my forearm under my solar plexis.

Dear Abby/Larry,
Could we make comfortable sleeping positions the subject of your next advice column? The subject of rape is so boring.

Heather says:


You’re a Sinincincinnati pigpenis!


just kidding

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