• In an effort to save the city some money, Cincinnati City Council will announce this week they will do away with repairing decaying sidewalks downtown. Within the next 20 years, there will be no sidewalks at all downtown, due to little or no pedestrian traffic.
• Disappointed that the Fountain Square renovations has not generated more traffic downtown, Cincinnati City Council will be announcing this week that the fountain will be moved back to it’s original location. “We made a mistake – sue us,” one council member is reported saying while smoking a cigarette on a decaying sidewalk downtown.
• Cincinnati City Council is expected to announce this week a two million dollar research study as to why so many young black men in Over-the-Rhine wear those long white t-shirts.
• Since Cincinnati is well known for its chili, Cincinnati City Council will be ordering every restaurant in downtown Cincinnati to have chili and cheese coneys on their menus. The chili and those wieners must be on menus by the end of the week.
• Not content with only one bodyguard, Mayor Mark Mallory will be talking with City Council this week about hiring two more. “With the crime rate so high downtown, he just doesn’t feel safe,” said a council member standing outside on a decaying sidewalk. “If we don’t get him those additional bodyguards, he’s saying he’s going to move his office over to Covington.” City Council is expected to approve the additional expense.
• Cincinnati City Council will be announcing this week the hiring of six sheep to eat the weeds on the 15 acres that separate The Reds and Bengals stadiums. This area was once known as “The Banks Project,” but City Council is expected to soon change the name to “Wasteland.”
LOL Blog Reporter
(Photo of Cincinnati City Hall from the wonderful world of the google)