CityBeat’s Living Out Loud – Cincinnati Blog

{April 1, 2007}   April 1, 2007: Activities for Cincinnati City Council This Week


• In an effort to save the city some money, Cincinnati City Council will announce this week they will do away with repairing decaying sidewalks downtown. Within the next 20 years, there will be no sidewalks at all downtown, due to little or no pedestrian traffic.

• Disappointed that the Fountain Square renovations has not generated more traffic downtown, Cincinnati City Council will be announcing this week that the fountain will be moved back to it’s original location. “We made a mistake – sue us,” one council member is reported saying while smoking a cigarette on a decaying sidewalk downtown.

• Cincinnati City Council is expected to announce this week a two million dollar research study as to why so many young black men in Over-the-Rhine wear those long white t-shirts.

• Since Cincinnati is well known for its chili, Cincinnati City Council will be ordering every restaurant in downtown Cincinnati to have chili and cheese coneys on their menus. The chili and those wieners must be on menus by the end of the week.

• Not content with only one bodyguard, Mayor Mark Mallory will be talking with City Council this week about hiring two more. “With the crime rate so high downtown, he just doesn’t feel safe,” said a council member standing outside on a decaying sidewalk. “If we don’t get him those additional bodyguards, he’s saying he’s going to move his office over to Covington.” City Council is expected to approve the additional expense.

• Cincinnati City Council will be announcing this week the hiring of six sheep to eat the weeds on the 15 acres that separate The Reds and Bengals stadiums. This area was once known as “The Banks Project,” but City Council is expected to soon change the name to “Wasteland.”

Judy Darling,
LOL Blog Reporter

(Photo of Cincinnati City Hall from the wonderful world of the google)


Tim says:

I was beginning to wonder when you guys would start picking on the Mallory bodyguard stuff. I was starting to think it was hands off here.

Jennifer White says:

You guys never let up on the city. This was funny!!

Matt says:

This thing with the bodyguard is strange to me. The other day I saw Mallory walking on Vine Street all by himself – no bodyguard with him. Why is this bodyguard on the payroll?

David Gallaher says:

What Judy Darling has written is the secret agenda of City Manager, Milton Dohoney.
The one thing he knows for sure, if he wants to remain on his gravy train, is that to get along, you must go along. His job is to faciliate the inmates running the asylum which is Cincinnati.

Tom says:

I agree with David. Milton Dohoney isn’t a City Manager, he’s a ‘yes’ man and a suck up.

Josh Mac says:

“Within the next 20 years, there will be no sidewalks at all downtown, due to little or no pedestrian traffic.”

Just more of your anti-Cincinnati bullshit. Why don’t you guys get out of town.

Karen says:

Judy, you’re too much!

David says:

There’s a lot of truth in this SATIRE piece, but that’s really what it is. Just because someone is pointing out some negative things about Cincinnati doesn’t mean they should leave town. Your “love it or leave it” stand is childish.

Phil says:

What’s the goal here? To make city council look stupid?

Oh yeah, that’s right. They are stupid.

Mary says:

This is just mean. What’s the point of it?

hard as nails says:

i think some are forgetting what today is.

Billy says:

I don’t know much about this Judy Darling but I know Larry Gross runs the show over here and all I can say is KEEP IT UP! I loved his column in CityBeat this past week about what’s best about Cincinnati and he got it dead on right. Keep shaking that tree Gross!

Joe says:

The Gross rants are all one sided and have become boring as hell. He should move and find another city to pick on.

Man of the Hour says:

Something tells me Mallory’s bodyguard is more than just a bodyguard – if you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.

Brian says:

This isn’t funny. Clearly written by Gross.

Becky says:

I realize this is satire but with our nutty city council, this very well could be just another week!

jackula says:

ya all are a laugh a minute over there. so glad i’m in covington.

Marilyn says:

from Judy: Within the next 20 years, there will be no sidewalks at all downtown, due to little or no pedestrian traffic.

Now THAT makes sense!

Chin says:

Man of the Hour,

Keep your “wink, wink” to yourself. I could care less what Mallory does in his personal life – but so far he’s no better than the guy before him. Just a guy behind a desk.

Tate says:

I have to agree that Mallory has been a really big disappointment. Yes, he is INDEED just another suit behind a desk promoting the same old Cincinnati bullshit. And don’t get me started on this “bodyguard” business.


mallory’s bodyguard gets paid OT for his efforts. the hours he works as mallory’s bodyguard also count toward the accrual of his pension.

i am surprised more people are not at the very least annoyed by this. we have a mayor who continually says the city is safe, and yet he hires a pal at taxpayer expense to protect him.

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